How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something
smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
 Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Many say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a
woman's sex drive by 90% ...
...wedding cake.

Marriage is a three ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffe-ring.

Why do brides wear white at the wedding?
So the dishwasher will match the fridge and stove.

A woman's place is in the home,
and that is where she should be
when she gets off work.