I'm Your Worst Nightmare.  I am a BAD American.  I like big cars, big
cigars and naturally big tits.  I believe the money I make belongs to me
and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad
comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out
babies.
I don't care about appearing compassionate.  I think playing with guns
doesn't make you a killer.  I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a
reason.  I think I'm better than the homeless.  I don't think being a
minority makes you noble or victimized.  I don't care if you call me a
racist, a homophobe or a misogynist.  I am not tolerant of others
because they are different.
I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez's ass gets, I'll still want
to see it. I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.  I believe that if you are selling
me a Big Mac, you do it in English.  I like my porn without silicon.  I
don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a Shield for unpopular
opinions or actions.  I want to know when MTV became such crap.  I think
getting a hummer is sex, and every man is entitled to at least one
extremely sloppy one per month.
I know what the definition lying of is.  I think Oprah's eyes are way
too far apart.  I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet.
I didn't think the Taco Bell dog was funny.  I want them to bring back
safe and sane fireworks.
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or
Marilyn Manson sang.  I think that being a student doesn't give you any
more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.  I don't want to eat or
drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package.  I
believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, and they
can do it in their schools.  I think the Clippers should play in the
WNBA.  My heroes are Newt Gingrich, John Wayne, Ronald Reagan and
whoever canceled Dr.  Quinn, Medicine Woman.  I think creative violence
and useless nudity and sex makes movies more interesting and Iraqis
deader.
I don't hate the rich.  I don't pity the poor.  I know wrestling is
fake, but I still think The Rock could kick my butt.  I think global
warming is junk science.  I've never owned or was a slave, I didn't
wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I
haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither
have you, so shut-the-f***-up already.
Rocky and Bullwinkle still makes me laugh.  I think you can respect and
admire women while mentally undressing them.  I believe a self-righteous
liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a Play Station.  I want to
know which church is it exactly where the Rev.  Jessie Jackson preaches.
I think explosions are cool.  I don't care where Ellen puts her tongue.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're
running from them.  I thought Spinal Tap was great, but Rob Reiner can
still kiss my backside.
I worry about dying before I get even.
I like the convenience of buying oranges while I'm waiting at a
stop-light, and I'm pretty sure the Latin midget selling them to me is
glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator packing carton outside
Ensenada.  I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through The Sixth
Sense but enjoyed it anyway.  I think turkey bacon sucks.  I want
somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out that when
I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police eventually pull
out of the car are gonna be a gang-banging hommies or vatos.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a
parent.  I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but
please don't pretend they are a political statement.  I like hard women,
hard liquor and a hard bowel movement first thing in the morning.  I
believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your
living room.  I'll admit that the only movies that ever made me cry was
Sand of Iwo Jima and Ole Yeller.  I didn't realize Dr.  Seuss was a
genius until I had a kid.  I will not conform or compromise just to keep
from hurting somebody's feelings.  Sometimes I throw my soft drink can
in the trash, even when the recycle bin is just a few more steps and I
crush my cigarettes out on the curb.  Making love is fine, but sometimes
I wanna get laid.
I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the
mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

gunner@lightspeed.net
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